ANIME BREAKDOWN:
Sailor Moon & the 7 Ballz
An XXX-Rated Adult Anime Review
The crowning achievement of crap? The pinnacle of putridness? The Valhalla of vileness? "Sailor Moon and the 7 Ballz" is, quite simply, the worst anime that I've ever seen. And I love it dearly.
Tuxedo Mask is having an engagement party for his upcoming wedding to Sailor Moon. Since the invitations encourage guests to bring their own vibrators, it's a fair bet that no one's going to be discussing the fall of the Roman Empire or the role of copyright infringement at this party.
Sailor Moon is the first to show up, mostly to show off her fine breast enhancements. If you've guessed that someone took a pencil compass and drew two big ol' juicy circles on the screen, you wouldn't be too far off. Wait until you see her perky bottom, a sight which disturbs me to no end. Apparently the fine Sailor outfits shrink drastically in hot water...
Next, we're forced to believe that Sailor Moon has never had sex with Tuxedo Mask. Strange, since it's almost implied in the straight version of Sailor Moon that they've been going at it. (I still get squeamish at the thought of college-aged Darien waiting for his girlfriend Serena and her hot young friends at the local junior high school, but that's a completely separate issue). Sailor Moon notices Tuxedo Mask's prodding erection and questions him about it. Suddenly coy, Tuxedo bluffs and says that it's his cell phone. Great save! Sailor Moon buys it, and heads off to take a shower. Must have been a long, dirty ride to the castle.
Sailor Moon's showering away, making full use of the hand-held shower nozzle, when she's unexpectedly joined by Tuxedo Mask. Mistaking him for a pervert (she's at least half right), she whips out a huge monkey wrench and bonks him over the head. A dejected Tuxedo Mask traipses off to his bedroom, leaving Sailor Moon to happily shower solo.
Turns out Tuxedo Mask's bedroom is full of more high tech spy camera's than Bill Gates's mansion. Every single room of the castle is being recorded on film, including the shower stall. Take careful notes, because this will come into play later. Tuxedo Mask quickly disrobes and starts yanking off to Sailor Moon's shower show, while spouting spit-take funny porn patois in English ("Oh baby! You make me randy!") We'd all be more impressed with Tuxedo and his gobs of video-drenching semen, but we'll soon discover that pretty much anything makes him randy.
It wouldn't be much of a party if no one else showed up, so the next to arrive is Sailor Mercury. Tuxedo Mask heads downstairs to greet her, but has oh-so-embarrassingly forgotten to zip himself up. Furthermore, in an homage to "There's Something About Mary", he has a big ol' wad of man-sperm dangling from his ear. Sailor Mercury isn't the smartest Sailor Scout for nothing; she quickly notices Tuxedo Mask's dishevelment, drops to her knees, and proceeds to give Tuxedo Mask a blow-job. Sweet girl, that Amy.
Sailors Jupiter and Mars also show up, and I'm sad to say that the animators completely fucked up on footwear - everyone knows that Sailor Jupiter wears cool, ankle-length boots. Spying the sexy couple, the Sailor gals wonder if they'll have to blow Tuxedo Mask too to get into the party. While debating this heavy matter, they agree to have loud lesbian sex with each other instead. Tuxedo Mask finished up with Sailor Mercury, then runs upstairs to record the lesbian tryst, yanking himself off joyously.
In the far off distance, the Dragonball Z men make their gradual approach to the castle (and I do mean gradual). I had high hopes for a skanky sex scene with the shirtless Vegeta, but it was not to be. Goku's reliving his past sexual affair with Sailor Moon in one of those annoying thought-bubbles. The only reason I mention this is that you'll be tempted to think the movie is on permanent skip when you see the scene: they've relooped the walking scenes so that it runs a good fifteen minutes, with this eensy-weensie picture in the upper-part of the screen. Fast-forward with impunity - or start cleaning the apartment or paying bills until the scene is over.
Eventually, the Dragonball Z boys arrive at the castle. Sailor Moon, fresh from her shower, greets them at the door. Goku and Sailor Moon moon over each other, before Sailor Moon dashes upstairs in embarrassment. Looks like poor Goku isn't going to get any from sweet Sailor Moon.
But wait! What's that I see? Sailor Venus has also arrived and is waiting for the elevator with the horny Goku. Goku enters the elevator, turns an abrupt about-face, and manages to get his naughty bits stuck in the door. Something drops to the floor and bounces off. Ah, but not to worry, fans; Goku didn't just give himself a painfully blunt circumcision - that's a Dragon Ball that hopped out, and it will cause all sorts of havok with the guests at the party. Sailor Venus, ever the sweetheart, drops down to her knees to check out Goku's injury, and decides that all it really needs is a good licking. Or sucking, as the case may be. Goku thinks this is a wonderful idea.
Out back, more guest members arrive, including a couple of Gundams. Turns out even gigantic robots get horny, as the two Gundam machines start having vigorous sex with each other. The horrible noise (metal scraping on metal) awakens the tuckered-out Tuxedo Mask, who dashes to the window. The sight of the two robots going at it is just too much for poor Tuxedo Mask, and he dashes back to bed to further abuse himself.
In the elevator, Sailor Venus and Goku have changed positions to the more conventional doggie-style. The scrawny-assed boy from Neon Genesis Evangelion (sorry - forgot his name) hops in the elevator and gets an invitation for a blow job from sexy Sailor Venus. He whips it out, and the three of them climax to a satisfying conclusion (it will surprise no one that Goku turns Super Saiyan at the moment of orgasm).
Sailor Venus emerges from the elevator, exhausted, to find a perplexed Sailor Moon. Turns out the Dragon Ball hopped up into her nether-regions and caused her to sprout a penis. Now, it's a very nice, almost feminine penis, but she's worried about how Tuxedo Mask will take it. Sailor Venus drops down for a closer investigation, and just can't help but give Sailor Moon a bit of a blow job - Venus is that type of gal. It doesn't really solve the problem, but it makes everyone a bit happier.
More and more anime characters arrive, including Shampoo and Ranma from Ranma ½, the Trigun folks and Faye Valentine from Cowboy Bebop. Tuxedo Mask gets ready to play his engagement tape for the crowd, but, as luck would have it, mistakenly grabs the lesbian sex scene tape featuring Sailors Mars and Jupiter, much to their chagrin ("Was my face red when..!") The crowd loves it and Tuxedo Mask & Sailor Moon start making out in front of the crowd - truly shameless. The Dragon Ball hops out of Serena and starts hopping up into the rest of the women. Here's pretty much where the plot ("What plot?") breaks down.
Sailor Moon is trying to hide her protruding erection, courtesy of the Dragon Ball, and Tuxedo Mask is trying desperately to get into Sailor Moon. He notices that his fiancée is hermaphroditic and is utterly delighted. Somehow, the ambidextrous Sailor Moon gives herself a blow job, while Tuxedo Mask takes a rear approach and makes handy use of the video remote control. As you can imagine, all this pushing and pulling is wreaking havoc with the remote, and the channels are switching left and right. Each room of the castle has some sort of anime character going at it, full-scale, in an outright anime orgy.
And, just as things are getting truly hot and heavy, my file-shared copy of the movie ends (you didn't think I'd actually pay money for this crap, did you?) However, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that everyone leaves the party with a big ol' grin plastered on their faces and that Tuxedo Mask's castle cleaning crew has one heck of a long, nasty day in front of them...